Grace

She’d been in bed for half an hour, chatting and singing and dancing and hosting the usual evening soiree she has every night with her baby dolls.  I’d hugged him good-night, told him to sleep well, reminded him we’d be up early for his sixth grade Bible study in the morning, and sent him off to bed as well.  There were no more emails to answer or phone calls to make.  The laundry was going and the dishwasher set to run. 


With the duties of the day complete, I sat down in the leather chair with my laptop and invited the puppy up to snuggle beside me.  (I know you’ve just fallen out of your own chair at the thought of OCD me allowing a dog on the furniture, but just so we’re clear, it’s the only piece of furniture she’s allowed on, it’s leather so I can easily clean it, and there is a huge blanket covering the seat so she’s not even really touching it.  I know.  What can I say – it happened when I was recovering from my surgery last year and needed her warmth while watching hours on end of HGTV, and you know what they say about teaching an old dog new tricks?  That saying is spot on, my friends, and it’s been her chair ever since). 


I opened Ann Voskamp’s blog, attempted to make sense of the prose turned poetry she pours daily into my soul.  Sometimes, I think she’s writing to me, though I know it isn’t true.  Her words, in all their backwards, reversed order beauty, offer exactly the reminders I shouldn’t need, but do.

Her post that night was about kids and fame and the insatiable need for attention epidemic that’s currently sweeping our land, and how funny, I thought.  I just wrote a little something about that myself.  I need to meet this woman one day.  I think we’d be fast friends.

I didn’t hear anything unusual upstairs.  He was going to the bathroom, brushing his teeth.  Doing the things he always does when I send him up to bed each night – stalling tactics, if I’m honest, because he never spends that much time on his teeth in the mornings.  

It drifted down slowly, floating around me like a cloud.  It took me a second to realize what it was, and when I did, the words on the screen in front of me blurred into nothing.  I breathed in, deep and long and full, and the weight of it all lifted right off my heart.  

The tears spilled over, the screen now just a mass of swirling colors as I took another breath, drawing it in, allowing it to fill the emptiness.

He had sprayed his cologne.  He had sprayed it again, finally, after days and weeks that seemed so heavy with the guilt of my mistake, and I know it’s ridiculous to read anything into an eleven-year-old boy putting cologne on.  I know he hasn’t forgotten and neither have I.  


Still.   


That scent . . . .


It smelled like forgiveness to me. 

Magical Choices, Part 2

So I owe you an update.  Yea, I know.  That’s a dumb thing to say because there are like, all of three people, maybe, reading this, but it sounds way too weird to say “I owe myself and my need to process and document life for the purpose of the future an update,” sooooo I’m sticking with the I owe YOU an update line.

I owe you (and my need to process and document life for the purpose of the future) an update on Disney World.

We went to Disney World for fall break.  We were planning to go to the lake.  We were planning to have cool temperatures, boat rides, fires, smores, quiet, peace, relaxation, and absolutely nothing on our must-do list, which seems to have grown to epic proportions lately.

Then my in-laws invited us to Disney World.  Invited, as in, we will pay for your family of four to enjoy a weekend at the most expensive magical place on earth.

Would you say no?

Neither did we.    

The kids were beside themselves thrilled. I went kicking and screaming.  Well, actually I was stewing silently about my lost lake trip and keeping my entire body to myself and not touching anything or anyone and using antibacterial wipes if I was forced to touch something and passing out wipes to my kids and my husband and anyone near me who would take one.  But internally, I was kicking and screaming.  And what I was screaming was, DON’T MAKE ME GO!!!!!!

Our flight took off anyway, and God answered my first prayer when our plane landed safely in Orlando with the seat backs and tray tables in their upright and locked positions, and most importantly, the oxygen masks and barf bags untouched.  And although I never expected God to follow us from the airport to Disney World, I’ll be darned if he wasn’t right there with me the entire weekend, answering my prayers one right after the next.

Now I do need to tell you that my prayers were sucky prayers.  I wasn’t praying for big, important, world peace and a family for every orphan kind of things.  I do that, sometimes, but not when my focus is on keeping my anxiety in check and my OCD under wraps in such a way that my husband and children can enjoy themselves without being traumatized by my insanity. Disney World is not the place to plead for an end to war.  I was in a battle of my own, friends, and it was all I could handle at the time.

I should also tell you that I’m aware there are countless people who do not think I’m crazy because of my anxiety and OCD, but because I don’t share their adoration of “the happiest place on earth.”  There are people in this country who are completely in love with all things Disney.  We saw at least half a dozen couples on their honeymoons at the Magic Kingdom.  If my fiancé had even suggested we consider Disney World for our honeymoon, I would have returned the diamond without hesitation and fled, and I mean every word of that y’all.  

Disney is a highly entertaining place.  In my opinion, it’s a great place to take children once every few years.  I think It’s a Small World is an adorable ride and I love Thunder Mountain Railroad.  I could do without the women in shackles on the Pirates of the Caribbean extravaganza (shouldn’t someone be complaining loudly enough about that to get some much needed, politically correct updates?), but I admire the way Disney parks are kept clean and organized, the “cast members” remember to stay in character at all times, and boy do those folks know how to put on a parade.  But I am not one of those moms who shows up at the gates of the Magic Kingdom with Minnie Mouse ears on my head secretly harboring fantasies about becoming a squatter in Cinderella’s castle.  And if any one of my friends ever mentions going to Disney for a girls’ trip, I will never speak to her again. 

Ever.

I go to Disney World because I want to witness my kids enjoy it.  Without them, I’m staying as far away from that place as possible.  So those prayers of mine before we arrived and the entire time we were there?  Well, I’d say totally and completely selfish pretty much sums ‘em up. 

Please, Lord, let the weather be nice.

Please, Lord, let the hotel be clean.

Please, Lord, let the kids get along.

Please, Lord, let my in-laws keep up.

Please, Lord, let the lines be less than thirty minutes.

Please, Lord, let me keep my lunch through the Space Mountain ride.

Please, Lord, PLEASE let me survive two full days of large crowds, public bathrooms, and people walking around chomping on turkey legs the size of my arm. (Could I get an Amen for that one, people?  Seriously, those things have to be a public health hazard.)

The thing is . . . God knows me.  He knows my heart, and he knows that sometimes, it does beat for others.  Sometimes, I put away my egotistical desires and ask the One who makes the impossible possible to do meaningful things in the lives of those who need him.  Sometimes, I forget about my own needs and ask God to feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, heal the sick, provide for the poor. 

But sometimes . . . many times . . . maybe even most times, I go to God with nothing but my own mess.  My ugly, selfish, sinful mess. 

And He hears me.

And He loves me anyway.

And He takes my self-seeking prayers, and my filthy heart, and my inability to look past my own circumstances, and He shows me just how much I mean to Him.

The weather was perfect.  The hotel was wonderful.  The kids got along.  The in-laws were amazing.  The lines were well under thirty minutes.  I kept my lunch through Space Mountain (uh, barely, and just for the record, I am officially retired from that ride, along with The Tower of Terror at Hollywood Studios, which I will curse until the day I die).

I’ve often heard it said that God meets you where you are.  I’ve also heard it said that he has no intention of keeping you there, but we’ll save that for another day and another blog.  Here’s what I think . . .

I think God met me at Disney World.  Amid the noise and clutter of a weekend I didn’t expect and wasn’t sure I could embrace, I think God showed up in a thousand different ways to remind me of a thousand different reasons He loves me. 

For the sake of full disclosure, I must tell you that those amazing in-laws I mentioned hired a concierge to help us navigate the logistical maze that is five parks in two days.  I am quite sure Ramon was very expensive.  I am also quite sure Ramon was an angel sent from heaven.  With his MBA from NYU and the five languages he speaks, Ramon left a lucrative career in risk management to start his own concierge company, and he now spends over 325 days a year escorting groups of people around the Disney parks, and any other major Orlando attraction.   

Ramon was not only an angel, he was a genius (and some might say certifiably crazy because of the previously mentioned 325 days a year at an amusement park).  We never looked at a map.  We never looked at a schedule of events.  We never argued over what to do or where to go or when to eat.  We followed Ramon around like ducklings as he calmly and casually escorted us to each ride, show, restaurant and park. He took pictures of the family in all the right places.  He saved us a spot in the shade to watch the parade, complete with a little mat for the kids to sit on.  He found, cleaned, and set tables for us while we ordered lunch so we could sit right down and enjoy our Disney dining experience.  He secured us a table at Animal Kingdom’s Rainforest Café in under two minutes when there was a sixty-minute wait.  Our group of 4 adults and three children hit five parks in one weekend and never felt stressed, rushed or even tired, and the kids were able to do almost every single thing they wanted to do, and more, in a 48 hour vacation. 

I don’t know when we’ll go back to Disney World.  This trip might have been our last because, ya know, Ramon.  Without him, we just couldn’t hack it, and based on the treatment we received, Ramon is not in our budget. (If you’d like to find out if he’s in yours, I will gladly share his contact information as I highly recommend him to everyone on the planet).

The thing is, even without Ramon, I know I would have enjoyed our trip to Disney World.  Despite all my resistance, I found much more joy than I imagined I could on our surprise getaway.  The weekend was miraculous, in my opinion, and not because of the beautiful weather and the short lines and the generous in-laws and the personal concierge.  The weekend was miraculous because God is in the business of making miracles, and I asked him to come along.  I invited God to join us, and God never turns down an invitation to be present in our lives, no matter where we’re going.  And because I asked God to come with us, and I knew without a doubt that he would show up, I saw Him everywhere. 

Windy City Love

I don’t travel well.  It’s not that I’m scared of flying or get carsick, although I am and I do.  It’s that my fear of . . . contamination, we’ll call it, makes it hard for me to enjoy a trip more than a few miles out of my greater Atlanta bubble.  I think airplanes are the most disgusting things on the planet, and are only equal in nasty dirty grossness to cabs, hotels, and public restrooms. And handrails on escalators.  And doorknobs.  And elevator buttons.  And . . . I should probably stop there.

The truth?  I love the idea of seeing the world.  I want to go to London and Paris and Australia and Northern Italy and Yellowstone National Park.  I’d just like to drive in my own car and stay in my own house when I get there.  My husband says there might be an RV in our future and I’ll admit . . . I kinda dig that idea.  London, Paris, Australia, and Northern Italy are out, but Yellowstone, here we come!

The thing about traveling is that it makes me hate myself.  I want so badly to enjoy it.  I want so desperately to overcome my OCD and rid myself of my irrational concerns and set foot on an airplane and in a taxi and in a hotel like a normal person, but I can’t . . . yet.

I am working on it.  I’ve gone back to my past to sort through what has caused my intense need to control every aspect of my surroundings, and it’s been a wildly intriguing process, as fascinating as it is disturbing.  But I have a long way to go, and so when my mother-in-law offered to take Libby and me to Chicago for a few days in honor of her upcoming eighth birthday, I took a deep breath, smiled, thanked her for such incredible generosity, and told her my daughter would be thrilled.  Then . . . I worried about the trip for weeks as we prepared to go.

I'm not completely distressed when I travel, but there is always an underlying current of anxiety limiting my ability to fully embrace the experience.  I find joy when I visit new places and discover all that makes them unique, but the joy comes with a hint of grief over what could be, if I was able to focus on the fun and not the foreign, if I could ignore my insatiable longing to be home. 

We stayed in my aunt-in-law’s beautiful new downtown condo in Chicago, so that helped.  Libby is older now, so that helped too.  She knows her mom is nuts and patiently uses the disinfectant wipes I doll out to her throughout the day without complaining.  She did, at what might go down as the lowest point in our relationship, ask when we could get in a cab again because, “Mama, they smell so good.” 

I was shocked, stunned, speechless . . . even slightly offended by such a preposterous declaration from a child who is supposed to have my blood running through her veins.

Our next cab ride cured my daughter's insanity within seconds.

We had a great trip.  Everything went smoothly and Libby relished in being on a girls’ excursion in which she was largely in charge of choosing the adventures.  We hit Lincoln Park Zoo, Navy Pier, Shedd Aquarium, and of course, our main event – we dined and shopped at the amazing American Girl Store on Michigan Avenue.  Libby had popsicles before lunch and ordered Sprite at dinner.  She had her doll’s ears pierced and went swimming in a rooftop pool overlooking the city.   It was a whirlwind forty-eight hours, and I believe we created some very special memories.  I’m sure Libby will remember dipping her toes into Lake Michigan, touching a stingray, riding the ferris wheel.  What I will remember most, however, took place after all the activities of day one had ended.

My daughter and I were lying in the bed we shared on the seventy-first floor, showered and clean and worn out, reading books before turning the lights out on our first day of travel.  My elbow ached from holding my book, so I stretched my arm over the expanse of bed between us.  Her little hand instantly covered mine, warm and soft and unexpected.  And in that moment, it didn’t matter that I hated myself.  It didn’t matter that while she was flitting about the city fulfilling her role as the center of attention, I was secretly counting down the hours until we returned home, to the one and only place I feel comfortable and safe and right.  It didn’t matter that I have OCD and I don’t travel well and I might never go to Paris and London and Italy.  In that moment . . . that precious, unforgettable moment . . . nothing else mattered.

She rubbed her fingers over mine, gently, reassuringly . . . as though she understood everything she never will about me . . . as if she realized how hard I worked to keep her unaware.  One day, she might look at me and past me and blame me and maybe even hate me because of the way my issues have caused her own.  One day, the space between us might be too wide to cross with the silence of an outstretched arm.  But on that day, in Chicago, my daughter reached for my hand across the bed, and covered it with grace.  

I still can’t quite believe it’s over.  All that thought and time and energy and money put into one of the most wonderful days of every year, and now . . . it’s already two days past Christmas.  The good news, of course, is that Christmas is really just the beginning of the celebration.  It’s the day Jesus was born – the day God became man so we could begin to grasp the depth of his love for us.  The rest of his short life was equally as amazing and, don’t worry, there are even more donkeys and angels.  YAY!

Christmas this year was a whirlwind for me, as I imagine it might have been for many of you.  There were family gatherings and parties mixed in with all the decorating, shopping, wrapping, and cooking in a way that makes me wonder exactly where the month of December went.  Honestly, I think I spent most of it trying to come up with elf tricks. 

And now that Christmas Day has come and gone, and I’ve had a full day to reflect on the most magical time of the year . . . I’ve come up with two moments that defined my holiday season. 

The first came on Christmas Eve, smack in the middle of a beautiful candlelight service.  My nine-year-old was sitting to my left, my dad on the right.  Everyone was dressed up and the air was full of excitement and the joy could clearly be heard in the voices of the congregation, our voices lifted to the heavens in praise of the One who came to save.  My eyes filled with tears, as they often seem to do when thousands of people are singing together about Jesus, and I could actually feel the magic of Christmas flow through me.  And then, my precious son, dressed in his holiday best and bubbling over with anticipation about the hours ahead, leaned over to me, and with wide eyes and a very serious demeanor, asked the one question I’ve happily avoided for all of his nine Christmases so far.

“Mom, what exactly is a virgin anyway?”

I probably shouldn’t cuss on a blog about Jesus, but man, I sure wanted to at that moment.  In church.  On Christmas Eve.  

Not to worry.  I simply told my son we’d talk about it later.  The problem, of course, is that now it IS later, and because my son has the best memory of anyone I know, I feel quite certain the chat I’ve never wanted to have is going to happen any minute now.  Awesome.  Next Christmas, he’ll probably lean over and want to know exactly what those “band-aids for Mommies” are that sit in a box on the back of the potty for a few days every month, and I’ll be trying to figure out how to explain tampons while everyone else is belting out Joy to the World.

The second monumental moment of Christmas 2012 occurred at precisely 12:07 on Christmas Day.  The reason I know the exact time of this disturbing event?  It was the time on the clock when all of my Christmas decorations, minus the tree, were officially down and packed into tubs in the storage room, not to be seen again until next December.  An entire year of therapy and THAT’S how much my OCD has improved?  You’ve got to be kidding. I’d like to blame my insanity on the fact that we were leaving the house at 12:30 and not planning to return for over a week.  But really, I’m not sure that fact offers much of an excuse.  The scariest part of the whole deal is the way I felt when I looked at the clock at seven minutes past noon and realized the only thing left to do to “undecorate” was to take down the tree (which won’t happen until after our trip). 

I was ecstatic. 

And that, my friends, is why I need Christmas.  Because despite all my efforts . . . despite all my plans and intentions and prayers and dollars spent trying to work through my mess . . . I need Jesus. I will always need Jesus.   

And He is here.

Emmanuel.

God with us. 

May he bring peace into your lives as 2012 comes to a close, and my he bring peace into mine as well.  The kind of peace that settles my heart when I know I'm on the cusp of an important conversation.  The kind of peace that allows me to find calm in the midst of clutter.  The kind of peace only the Prince of Peace can offer.    

“The world is made up of two kinds of people. The ones who

think they’re normal and the ones who know there’s no such

thing.” - Will McAvoy on The Newsroom

 

Our Charlie is the best little boy ever. I love that kid so much I think I might actually die the day he leaves the nest. I honestly don't believe I can survive more than a few days without him.  He's smart and funny and adorable and determined and, mostly . . . he's comfort. Life is just right when he's sitting next to me, drawing or reading or breathing.

 Still, sometimes I feel so bad for my little guy, because he totally reminds me about that whole apple falling from the tree thing.  Yea. It doesn’t fall far folks. It doesn’t fall far at all.

Poor kid.

My mother gave Charlie a snowman to put on his nightstand on Thanksgiving Day. It’s only a few inches tall, but it has those LED lights inside, so Mr. Snowman glows all sorts of fun colors when you turn him on. Now, before I continue, I need to tell you that we left to go out of town on the day after Thanksgiving and we returned home on Sunday afternoon. If you do the math, you will realize that as of bedtime on Sunday, Charlie had slept with the light-up snowman beside his bed for exactly ONE night.  And yet, just after he crawled into his bed to go to sleep for only the second night with his new snowman friend glowing cheerfully beside him, my poor little apple son had this to say:

“I love this snowman. It turns red, green, purple, yellow, blue and pink. That's the order every time. And it stays red, green, purple, yellow, and blue for four seconds each. Then the pink stays on for eleven seconds. And then it starts over with red again.”

I should probably also mention that right before Charlie quoted the above statistics, he patted the “special place” on his pillowcase two times.  He does that every night, right before he puts his head on it. 

Like I said . . . poor kid.

One day, I’ll have to explain to Charlie that apples don’t far fall from their trees.  And then, I’ll have to tell him what OCD is.:)  For now, however, I’m going to lie next to him in bed and watch the snowman change colors. 

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in order like they should be. - From a
t-shirt in a catalog that somehow ended up in my mailbox this week. Coincidence???

I think not.

My friends, I have reached a new level of maturity. Frankly, I’m thinking my status as supermom might need reinstatement, for this week at least. I, control freak since birth and lifetime queen of wanting things done exactly like I want them done, have allowed my children to put colored lights on our Christmas tree this year.

Yep, you read it correctly.

Colored Christmas lights . . . on my tree . . . right now.

There are blue ones. There are yellow ones. There are red and green ones. There are even, heaven help me, pink ones. Pink lights are twinkling all over my Fraser Fir at this very moment and I don’t have a single urge to rip them off and replace them with white ones. Well, I might have a teensy eensy weensy little tiny urge. But I will not act on it.

Like I said, I have reached a new pinnacle of maturity.

Christmas lights have been a long-standing issue in our home. They simply don’t bring out the best in my husband and me. Well, mainly me. While we both employ the squinty eye technique to determine precise placement, we don’t go about the placement in the same manner. I prefer to start low and stay there until all dark spaces are illuminated. Adam likes to wind up and down and around the tree in a more haphazard spreading of the bulbs. After several Christmases and countless hours attempting to undo tangled strings of lights, we worked out a solution to this particular problem. Adam puts the lights on the Christmas tree every year in whatever manner he so chooses. When it’s time for the tree to come down, he tosses it in the woods with the lights still wound a hundred times around its branches. A wise budget decision? No. Vital to our marriage? Absolutely.

Last year, a new issue popped up in regards to Christmas lights. While I was off shopping one lovely Saturday morning, Adam and Charlie hung icicle lights on our front porch. Sound lovely? Well certainly, they are lovely . . . at night. But what about the other twelve hours of each day. How are you supposed to conceal all that tacky cording and those hideously large white plugs as they hang down in front of your beautifully wreathed front door?

I apologize if I’m offending anyone. To each his own – I love that about life. And I admit, I have seen good-looking icicle lights that probably cost a lot more than the ones my well-meaning husband purchased. At my house, however, cheap icicle lights on the front porch are not on the pre-approved list of appropriate holiday decorations. The beauty they provide from dusk until my bedtime is simply not worth it to me, possibly because I go to bed at 9:30.

I held it together in front of my son when this atrocity of Christmas preparation occurred last December. I oooed and ahhhed over the lights while Charlie was standing there. I admired his handiwork and raved about his creativity. Later, however, my husband received a verbal lashing of the worst kind. It was ugly. It was mean. It was completely un-Christmaslike. The icicle lights stayed up until December 26th, but only because the mother in me actually has a soul.

My husband and I had a pre-decorating discussion the following fall, solving the problem before it presented itself for a second time. The icicle lights are once again shining brightly at our house this December, only they’re on the back deck instead of the front porch. Still not my favorite, but a reasonable compromise, don’t you think, and certainly a clear sign of my evolving maturity.

As we’ve begun preparing for Christmas 2011 in the last couple of weeks, the kids have been helping me create ornaments for an advent tree. We have a book that traces the lineage of Christ through the Old Testament and gives specific Bible stories that show what led to Jesus’ birth. We are making an ornament to go along with each story. To further display my growing maturity, I must tell you that I have readily relinquished important tasks to my children during our recent ornament making sessions; tasks that involve markers, paint, pipe cleaners, glue, feathers, cotton balls, sequins, and (pray for me on this one) glitter. Our carpet is somehow sparkling and there is a lamb on our advent tree that looks like he’s robbing a bank, but still, it’s been hands off for me.

I’m not sure what set off my fresh take on Christmas. I suppose my laidback approach might be a sign of defeat. Perhaps I’m learning to wave the white flag in this war we affectionately call parenting. And make no mistake about it, my friends – it is a war. We are at war with the world and all the wonderfully awful things in it that can keep our children from being and doing what is good and right. When my kids were young, it was easy to convince them that their desires were the same as mine. Now, they know what they want, they tell me what they want, and I have to decide if what they want lines up with what I want for them. I’m fairly certain that as my children grow, the chance that their desires and mine will line up is going to get a whole lot slimmer, and quite frankly, the color of the lights on a Christmas tree isn’t a battle I’m up for fighting.

Maybe, though . . . maybe my carefree attitude exists because I finally decided to embrace the reality of Christmas, which is that it really is all about the kids. Well, it’s REALLY all about Jesus. But after that, it’s totally about the kids. I want Christmas to be magical for my kids. The wreath on our front door doesn’t need to be fancy. It simply announces to the world that we believe in the hope and peace that Christmas has to offer. Our mantel doesn’t need to look like it belongs on the cover of a magazine. It only needs to hold the stockings with my children’s names on them. We don’t need to wrap our tree with the perfect ribbon at just the right angle. It’s beautiful because it’s full of the symbols that remind Charlie and Libby of everything that is important to our family – love and life and fun and God. The gifts don’t have to be numerous and they certainly don’t need to be expensive. They just need to show the people we care about that they are special to us.

I’m pleased with the mature Christmas I’m having in 2011. I’m proud of the way I’m letting go of perfection and trying to bask in the glory of the holiday season instead. My cards don’t have the ideal picture, my tree leans slightly to the right, and the swags of garland on my staircase are a bit uneven. But I have an adoring husband. I have friends who care about me. I have a home. I have shoes on my feet, clothes in my closet, food in my refrigerator, gifts under my tree, Jesus in my heart. And I have two healthy children, my dreams come true, who are counting down the days until December 25th with pure excitement, and who are happy because they asked if they could have colored lights on their Christmas tree, and their mama remembered what it was all about, smiled, and said . . . yes.

Okay folks, here goes nothing. Or everything. Hey, it's gotta be at least something, right? Something new. Something exciting. Something I'm sure to have plenty of second thoughts about because that's what people with type 'A' personalities and a healthy touch of OCD do. We think about things. A lot. Then we think about them again. And just to be sure our minds never have a moment to stop racing, reevaluating, recalculating, and replaying, we think about them one more time.

Yes, I've been thinking about this whole blogging thing for a while now. It seems pretty interesting. I can make the random and enormously messy jumble of chaotic thoughts that enter my brain on a daily basis available to the whole wide world. At no cost, other than the cost of my own vanity, of course. Wow. I'm not sure it's really necessary, but it sure sounds like a good way to get some free therapy, doesn't it? And who doesn't need a bit of that these days?

So, like I said, here goes.