Lordy, Lordy I'm Finally 40!!!

I write for many reasons, but today, I’m writing to document.  I’m writing because I want to remember.  And it’s funny . . . because this day I want to remember?  I dreaded it.  I avoided thinking about it, talking about it, planning for it.  I cursed it by the minute for hurling towards me with no regard for my feelings.  Heck, I even left town so I could bury my head in the sand and pretend it wasn’t actually happening. 

I turned 40 this weekend.  I know it beats the alternative people, but man did I waste a whole lot of days and weeks and, let’s face it, years wishing my 40^th birthday wasn’t looming on the calendar.  I think I started fearing this day immediately upon turning 35, when I could no longer say I was in my early 30’s and the next big one was a REALLY big one.

My disdain was never really about the age.  Yes, 40 is often considered middle age, and I suppose it might be.  But my middle age could have been 20 and today might be all I have left on this side of heaven, so it wasn’t the “middle age” title that invoked such fear about a specific birthday.  I want to grow old.   I want to see my children mature into the people God intends them to be.  I want to hold grandbabies and sit by my husband in a rocking chair somewhere and eat ice cream for breakfast and say whatever I want and all those other things old people get to do.  I want those things in my life.  40 is just a number . . . a single stop on the way to a lifetime.  I get that.

It wasn’t the age that upset me.  It was the significance of having had four decades to get things right, and realizing I still have so very far to go.

For some reason, I truly believed I’d have it all together at 40.  I don’t know where I got such a ridiculous idea, but somehow I thought when I turned 40, I’d be the person I always imagined myself to be – calm, loving, patient, trusting, selfless, humble, generous, peaceful.  Do you think of those words when you think of me?  Yea, me neither.   What pops into my head are words like worried, anxious, impatient, busy, selfish, greedy, envious, striving. 

When I thought about turning 40, I honestly thought God would have shaped and molded me into who I wanted to be by then.  And there, of course, lies the problem.  You see, this life isn’t about who I want to be.  It never has been.  It’s about who HE wants me to be, and clearly, He’s not done with me yet.  On Saturday, my fortieth birthday, I finally found comfort in that.

It was a wonderful day.  The stars aligned from the moment I woke up and looked at the clock.  7:11 am on July 11^th.  I grinned and felt God wink at me.  Only He could remind me he was there the moment I awoke.

There was a back rub in bed, big morning hugs from the kids, coffee by the pool.  I decided several months earlier that I needed something to help me look forward to turning 40, so I told Adam I wanted to give the kids the two things they most wanted on my birthday – a phone for our rising seventh grader since, according to him, he’s the only kid in his whole entire grade who doesn’t have one (but mainly because it’s time for him to have one), and earrings for our rising fourth grader, since she’s been asking to get her ears pierced for over four years now and Adam finally consented if it would help me deal with my 40^th birthday. J

I sat them on the couch and turned my phone on video mode.  Reminded them that the thing that makes mamas happiest is when their children are happy.  Libby opened her earrings first.  She reached into her bag, pulled them out and smiled.  I told her she was getting her ears pierced later that morning, and that daughter of mine . . . she lit up like a star.  Joy.  Pure joy right there in front on me, despite my still sinful heart.  Charlie began to pick up his gift bag and suddenly, it was ringing.  The bag was ringing, and his eyes opened up so big and bright and blue I thought I saw heaven inside.  More glimpses from God.  Reminders I needed.

The morning was a blur of happiness.  There was a smoothie while the kids went swimming, sweet text messages, emails, and phone calls from family and friends, and a quick trip to the outdoor mall, where our almost ten year-old sat in a chair brimming with excitement over the aqua gemstones in her ears and our twelve and a half year-old said, as though all was finally right in his world, “This phone just feels so natural in my pocket.”  What could be better?

We walked on the beach after lunch and God was everywhere.  His creation stretched out before us in all directions – shells under our feet, the sun shining overheard, the ocean whispering his name with the crest of every wave, beckoning us to look out at the vastness and remember – only Him.  Only He could conjure such wonders.  Only He could make such beauty – the sandy beaches and shimmering blue waves as far as the eye can see.  Only His love is so wide and so long and so far. 

We went parasailing.  The kids and I, floating 1200 feet above the gulf with a gorgeous parachute trailing behind us, the boat bouncing below like a toy on the water.  It’s quiet at 1200 feet up.  Our legs dangled and the breeze blew gently and we talked about how cool it was, and they might not remember it forever, but I will.

We had dinner on the beach.  There was delicious red snapper and a piece of key lime pie with drizzles of raspberry sauce and a candle to blow out.  We watched a young man propose to his girlfriend by the water, and it seemed like just yesterday my own husband was down on one knee like that.  The kids played with the frisbee while we watched the sun go down, sinking into stunning streaks of pink and orange behind clouds of the deepest gray. The crowd, hundreds of people there to see the sunset, cheered as it finally disappeared below the horizon.  My heart was so full of gratitude at that moment.  For God’s abundant blessings.  For life and love and family and friends.  And yes, even for turning 40.

The perfect day turned into the perfect night with a poolside foot rub and a dip in the hot tub with my best friend on earth, the man I’ve now spent almost half my life with – the one who only sees good in how the years have changed me.  The stars twinkled and the gratitude grew.

I’m two days past 40 now.  Our trip to the beach is almost over.  We head back to Atlanta tomorrow to a house full of boxes and a dream come true – for my 40^th birthday, I got a new house.  We move in this week and I can hardly wait to make it our home. 

I don’t have it all right today, as I once thought I would.  I guess the reality is, I never will.  But God is right here beside me every step of the way.  I’m absolutely certain of it.  He will not stop working in my heart to make it look more like His, no matter how many days I live.  And that’s the best part of being 40.  Knowing.  Knowing myself.  Knowing Him.