The words came out of his mouth and the tears instantly sprung to my eyes, blurring my vision and making my throat feel as though it was inhabited by a softball.  I clenched the steering wheel and blinked several times, attempting to focus on the road rising in front of me, which suddenly seemed very long and very dark.  I tried to think of something, anything to say that would sound right, that would make sense, that would force him to understand.  Nothing came to mind.   

“Mom, you talk about the Bible too much.”

His words didn’t have a harsh tone, and yet, they inflicted a pain I can’t possibly describe.  It wasn’t physical pain, exactly.  It wasn’t as if I’d been punched in the stomach and knocked to the ground and stomped on repeatedly.  It hurt within.  It ached in a place so deep I didn’t know it existed.  It was as if my soul was trembling. 

What if . . .?

What if my prayers don’t work?

What if he goes another way?

What if he makes a different decision; moves in the opposite direction? 

Despite everything I think I’m doing to lead him down the path I believe to be the right one . . . the only one . . . what if my son doesn’t choose God?

It could happen.  It’s happened before.  I imagine it happens every day, in almost every nation on earth.  A mother teaches her child the truth.  She reads the truth and speaks the truth and models the truth in the best ways she can.  And yet, her child doesn’t believe it.  He questions.  He doubts.  He strays and wonders and ends up so far from the truth it seems he’ll never be able to find his way back. 

I will love him forever.  I will love him no matter what.  I’ve told him that many times and I mean it.  I mean every word, every time I say it.  He is my son and I will always love him. 

I want him to choose God.  There will be a cavernous hole in my heart if he doesn’t.  But in the end, the decision is his.  He gets to decide what he believes and I have to accept him regardless of the decision he makes.  Strange isn’t it?  How one person’s choice can have such profound meaning in another person’s life. 

What if my son doesn’t choose God?

I guess the answer is really quite simple.

I will love him forever.  I will love him no matter what.  I will always love him.

And I will never stop praying he changes his mind.