Forgiveness is not my strong suit.  When someone hurts my feelings, it takes me a while to get over it.  I’ve heard dozens of people talk about the importance of married couples resolving issues before going to sleep at night.  “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,” is the common statement, right?

WRONG.

If my husband ticks me off at six o’clock in the evening, there is no way I’m snuggling up with him at ten o’clock that night.  Eventually, I will forgive him, and most of the time he won’t even have to apologize, but I need at least a few hours to stew first.  And depending on the infraction, I might never forget.

Forgiveness doesn’t come easily for me.  It can be even tougher when I need to forgive myself.

A wise woman once told me I needed to move from a life of guilt to a life of grace.  Guilt to grace.  It does sound lovely, doesn’t it?   Of course, the concept of grace makes me think of one thing.  Yep, grab those palm branches folks - here we go with that Jesus fellow again! 

There are many definitions of ‘grace.’  Mercy or pardon.  Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.  An excellence or power granted by God.  The state of being protected or sanctified.  Immunity or exemption; a reprieve. 

Ephesians 2: 4-5 says: God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved . . .

I once heard grace described in this simplistic, yet achingly beautiful way:  Mercy is not receiving that which we deserve.  Grace is receiving that which we do not deserve.

I do not deserve grace.  I do not deserve to be forgiven.  I’m like that child who apologizes over and over again for hitting his little brother – looks that little fella right in the eyes and says he’s sorry – then turns around and belts him again when he thinks no one is looking.   I confess my sins to God, I pray for his forgiveness, and then, even though I KNOW he’s looking, I turn around and commit the same sins all over again.  Greed, envy, idolatry, pride, lust (have you seen that Calvin Klein cologne ad with Matthew McConaughey in the Nordstrom at . . . never mind). 

Still, God forgives me.  He forgives me for everything I’ve ever done or said or imagined that wasn’t good or glorifying to Him.  He forgives me for all those things I’m going to do or say or imagine in the future that aren’t good or glorifying to Him.  I don’t have to feel guilty about my millions of past or future mistakes.  They are forgiven.  My debt has been paid.  I can live in freedom because of the grace God freely gives.

Yet, most of the time, I choose not to. 

I choose to ignore grace.  I choose to live in guilt instead.  I beat myself up and toss myself out and despise myself because I am . . . human.

I feel guilty because I went out to dinner with a friend and didn’t get to read to my daughter.  I feel guilty because I had a prior commitment and missed my son’s first goal in lacrosse.  I feel guilty because I complain to my husband about the problems with our house instead of expressing gratitude for having one.  I feel guilty because I don’t spend enough time with my extended family. 

What a slap in the face to the Lord of all.  He sent his son to become my salvation, and I fail to acknowledge it in my life at the times it matters most?  

Jesus gave his back to those who beat him, his cheeks to those who tore out his beard, his face he did not hide from insults and spitting (Isaiah 50:6) to secure my forgiveness.  Jesus, died on the cross, showing me the full extent of his love (John 13:1) to secure my forgiveness.  And in his last moments on earth, as he hung on the cross to secure my forgiveness, Jesus did just what I must do.  He went directly to the source of forgiveness, and he asked for it. 

“Father, forgive them . . .” Luke 23:34

Father, forgive them.

And Father, please forgive me.